unconventional

I knew I wanted to live an unconventional life. As the words danced from Beth's mouth, I couldn't help but feel a sense of belonging. Because I, like Beth, desired an unconventional life. An unconventional, radical life filled with joy, fulfillment, and passion. A life filled with the unimaginable and unexpected. I felt relieved, because maybe, just maybe, I wasn't the odd one out, maybe I wasn't as weird as people perceived me to be, and maybe, somewhere in the midst of this chaotic life, I finally found someone who understood and understands what it means to really live life on the edge. And not just some one, but some forty that were living this life I have for some time imagined. It was surreal, in a way, that for the first time, I was surrounded by normal people, normal people who were called to this humbling life of service, a life so many shy away from. As I continue to discover more of the world outside this little box I currently reside in, I can't help but dislike it more and more. I can't help but dislike how everything is literally within arm's reach, how nothing is out of the question. As I re-enter into this materialistic, chaotic life, I know how quickly I can be swept away in its comfort and ease. I desire the challenge, I desire the adventure, and I desire the strength through faith of the unknown and the unseen. For my greatest fear is not in living too big, but my greatest fear is in living too small, a fear that lies within this box, within the confined walls of what is "supposed" to be. As I continue to struggle to maintain this image, this mold, I also straddle the line. One foot in and one foot out. Like treading upstream, I am stuck, moving nowhere but where I am now. Sometimes, I feel I deny this bitter truth that I cannot continue to lead two lives, to walk two separate paths because I cannot travel in opposite directions. I continue to stretch and spread myself thin and I fear the consequences. When will too late really be too late? As I continue to test God's heart, I also test God's desires. My desires. I want to be more, I want to achieve more because in my imperfection, I long to be the hands and feet of my Creator's redeeming love. And, from the outside, I appear to be living this perfect life of constant peace and serenity. But on the inside, I am battling my greatest enemy: myself. I am running from the very person I am meant and want to become, but why? Because of my own selfishness to fit the criteria of this person, this woman, according to society, I should be? And while this may appear to be the idealistic lifestyle, for me, it is flawed in every way. It is flawed because I am trapped and I am suffocated beneath the constraints of an ordinary life. And because I am a sinner saved by grace, I desire the extraordinary. It is the most I can do to make proud the One who alone maintains perfection. And as I consider the risks of an unconventional life, the consequences of an ordinary one are far more unrelenting. And so, I desire fulfillment, I desire passion, and I desire unconventional.

the journey

It’s funny, this thing called life. You, me, us; the very individuals that compose the foundation of this nation, the very individuals that perfectly illustrate a beautiful picture of what God, this unfathomable Artist, has painted. It’s funny how my trivial trials and tribulations consume my daily thoughts when, in the grand scheme of things, they are so worthless and mundane. Because life is a journey, although not our own, of discovering and renewing, of building and creating and sharing. It is this journey that we are not the authors of, a journey that may bend and break us, but that will not defeat us. Life is this journey, a constant battle between right and wrong, good and evil, mercy and power, grace and greed. It is a journey of recognizing humility and understanding forgiveness. As I look back at the past nineteen years of my existence, I have realized more than anything that life is so very fragile and it can, at any time, be taken from us. As I approach the next decade of my life, I am nervous, anxious, and, quite frankly, terrified. But more importantly, I am at peace with the knowledge that my path, that my journey, is lit, not by my selfish wants, but by the desires of someone far greater than myself. I rest assured that my redeeming Protector will not only remain by my side, but will be my guiding hand. Four years ago, I thought I knew what my life would look life, but I had no idea. And four years ago, that hand that continues to direct my step today, took my life in a direction that completely changed my perspective, or better, my heart forever. I can’t exactly explain how the pieces of the puzzle undeniably align perfectly, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that everything not only includes that which benefits and contributes to my purpose, but also the mistakes, the faults, the moments of taking two steps back. The material ways of society encourage and develop corruption that is almost impossible to escape, yet not impossible to overcome. Of course you and I will fall, time and time again, but success comes from failure, from failing seven times and getting back up eight. From knowing there is something out there that is better than this. Success is happiness and love. It is the fulfillment and confidence in knowing that you have achieved who you were born to become. And as I prepare to enter a new phase in my life, as I continue on this journey of life, I not only continue to strive for success, but I strive to be happy. And, above all, I strive to love.