forgive yourself, love others

Being in college is a lot different than high school. In high school, I was just a kid. And even though I'm not much older than I was a year ago, so much has changed. As an adult, I'm on my own, without any guidance, without anyone telling me what to do, without any rules. And although that may be the ultimate freedom in eyes of many, it is, in fact, a huge responsibility. A responsibility for your own own actions, for the decisions you choose to make. No one can really tell you what to do. No one can direct you. It's all up to you. And as I sit in my room on a Thursday night, a college Thursday night, alone, I begin to realize what this life is really all about.

I have made more mistakes that I can count and will continue to make them in this imperfect world. But there are some mistakes I have made that I cannot forget. There are some mistakes that even though I want to forgive myself for, I can't, because I feel like even God can't forgive me for them. It seems as if so many of my friends have managed to slip through the cracks while I have fallen flat on my face every time. It's like each time I stumble, I fall hard, I fall and I can't pick myself back up because I continue to fall time and time again. And each time, I felt as if I had lost the trust of my family. If my family could not trust me, then who could? Family. Family are the people who are by your side no matter what. They are those who pick you up when you can't get back up, and even when they know you're wrong, they're still there to support you because they love you. But without trust, I felt like there was not love. And without love, there is nothing. But sometimes we have to be broken. Because sometimes God pushes us to our limits because sometimes He has greater faith in us than we have in ourselves. God places us in these situations not always to punish us, but to teach us because he knows that we will get through it, that we will rise from our falls, that we can begin to shape our lives into the people we are to become.

And as I sit here, I think that yes, my friends have gone out without me. Or yes, I may miss something that happens to someone somewhere. But as I think about it, is it really worth it? I mean, am I really going to miss that much? So much has been on my mind lately, because I know that I am called to do so much more. I know that I have a greater purpose for my life. Sure, college ends. But so does this life. Life on earth is not eternal so we must use the little time we do have to make a difference. To make a difference in ourselves, in the people around us. To make a difference in the life of one purpose so that when we look back, we will have no regrets. We can look back on this life with fulfillment and know that we might have changed the world. That we might have shared our love with another. So even though I am alone, I do not feel not alone because I know that there is so much more to do, to discover, to change, to love. And even though I know I will make so many more mistakes, I know that I can at least try, I can grow from my faults, I can follow my passions, I can chase my dreams. I can be exactly the person I am meant to be.